Men will never learn...

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book. Along comes a gamewarden in his boat.

He pulls up alongside the woman and says,"Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you a ticket."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the gamewarden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment."

Funny Marriage Jokes

Confession

Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side. He held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face.

Her pale lips moved. "Jake," she said quietly.

"Hush," he quickly interrupted, "don't talk."

But she insisted. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I must confess."

"There is nothing to confess," said the weeping Jake. "It's all right. Everything's all right."

"No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake, that I have been unfaithful to you."

Jake stroked her hand, squeezed it and sobbingly told her, "Now Becky, don't be concerned. I know all about it," he cried uncontrollably. "Why else would I poison you?"

Get me a Beer

Keith comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts."

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.

He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."

The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore . . ."

Keith sighs and says, "It's started . . "

Managers & Engineers

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realises he is lost. Hereduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.

"The man below says,

"Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude."

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.

"I am" replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "Everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below says, "You must be a manager". "I am," replies the balloonist,

"But how did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow

my fault."

Funny Computer Adds

funny Sign boards

Haircut difference between men and women

 Women's version:

Woman1:  Oh!   You got a haircut!  That's so cute!

Woman2:  Do you think so?  I wasn't sure when she was gave me the
mirror.  I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman1:  Oh God no!  No, it's perfect.  I'd love to get my hair cut
like that, but I think my face is too wide.  I'm pretty much stuck with
thisstuff I think.

Woman2:  Are you serious?  I think your face is adorable.  And you
could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think.
I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent
my long neck.

Woman1:  Oh - that's funny!  I would love to have your neck!  Anything
to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder
line.

Woman2:  Are you kidding?  I know girls that would love to have your
shoulders.  Everything drapes so well on you.  I mean, look at my arms
- see how short they are?  If I had your shoulders I could get clothes
to fit me so much easier.
 

Men's version

Man1:    Haircut?
Man2:    Yeah.

A newly married Husband....Haha

A newly married Husband saved his Wife's cell number on his mobile as: 

"MY LIFE"

After One year of marriage, it was found changed to: 

"MY WIFE"

After Five years of Marriage: 

"HOME"

and after Ten Years: 

"HITLER" 

and after Silver Anniversary: 

"WRONG NUMBER"  !!!

Especially to people who are about to get married

#CASE 1

Getting married is like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

#CASE 2

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger??" The other replied, "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

#CASE 3

Before a man is married, he is incomplete. Then when he is married, he is finished.

#CASE 4

Marriage is an institution in which a man losses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's status.

#CASE 5

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married??" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm

still paying for it."

#CASE 6

Young son : "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"

Dad : "That happens in most countries son."

#CASE 7

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and then it was too late."

#CASE 8

A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes

#CASE 9

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why. Affair ?

#CASE 10

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

#CASE 11

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the Husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

#CASE 12

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified : "Wife wanted". The next day, he received hundreds letters. They all said the same thing "You can have mine."

#CASE 13

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing : either the car is new or his wife is new.

#CASE 14

A woman was telling her friend : "It is I who made my husband a millionaire. "

"And what was he before you married him?" the friend asked. The woman replied, "A Billionaire. "